The Last Of The ... Quality Storylines (sorry Russell!)

First things first. I am very sorry that I have kept you good people waiting so long before giving you a new blog entry. I did mean to last week, really I did! But I had just a million other things to do and always got round to blog time at WAY after midnight. By which time I was asleep on the keyboard - which is possible better on a laptop than on a desktop, but there you go!

Right then. Yes, are you SURPRISED by my title today? Judging by the (rather weak) response to my most recent poll, 3 out of 5 of you were very excited to see The Master back in Doctor Who. Well, SO WAS I after the 'Utopia' episode given Derek Jacobi's superb performance in an absolutely THRILL-PACKED episode to rank with the very best this series AND THE LAST.

But as seems to happen on Doctor Who that we have these days, they put all the energy into the first part of the story then the second (and THIRD in this case) are a bit drab and a general let-down.

Yup, it was the same old story. But in fact it goes even further than that. I tell you this right now, I am just SO DISAPPOINTED with the BBC and feel SO LET-DOWN by the normally superb Russell T. Davies' storylines. Why?

Well, even after having watched it again today (which did actually settle SOME issues but not the most grievous ones), I still feel that I've watched a complete load of nonsense the like of which I have not seen since that "6th Sense" movie with Bruce Willis.

As I have said before, I really LOVE science fiction because it is the escape into a great world of imagination. But imagination is one thing. Another thing is to wrench into your head BEFORE it all begins that a whole load of stuff has happened between last week when you were there and right now when you're sitting down to watch the new one. yes, my friends, I am talking about this Miracle Year when Martha Jones, this medical student from London, has gone globe-trotting spreading the gospel of The Doctor and making sure that ALL those people, at 3 o'clock UK Time think the same thought at that same time and say out loud the word, "Doctor". Whoo Hoo!! So that's around 6 billion people - not necessarily individually, but anyway - who ALL have to be coordinated to do this ONE THING at this ONE TIME. Blimey! I mean, not even Bob Geldof could do THAT and he did many great things to Help The World in his time with charity work so far.

AH, but that's only the START of the silliness. Now The Doctor, as we know, is a pretty damn GREAT GUY and can do many marvellous things the like of which the human brain cannot even imagine. Let's look at how Wikipedia has described what happened:-

"She told everyone about the Doctor; specifically, she told everyone to think of the Doctor at the same time the Master plans to launch his fleet. Combined with the Master's Archangel satellite network, which the Doctor has had an entire year to get in tune with, this has the effect of charging the Doctor with the combined psychic energy of the people of Earth."

Are YOU psychic? Gee, I sure wish I WAS! Then I'd have known about all this before it even happened (WHOOAAHH!! There you are then!!).

But sorry, NO NO NO! As I understand it, the Archangel Network was a way that The Master could influence The People, ie, one way-traffic. And in addition, since he was dealing with the people of the Earth in what we can assume is present-day time, there is NO WAY people on Earth HAVE that ability to be psychic.

So WHAT IN HELL'S NAME did The Doctor actually tune his Antenna-Mind IN TO EXACTLY?? And anyway, WHATEVER that WAS, HOW THE HELL did it cause him to miraculously rejuvenate (ah no, NOT a regeneration this time but a different word!)? And HOW could such a rejuvenation make him pick up those 900 years that The Master had aged him by? And I DO remember The Master saying, before he aged him the second time, that he was about to reduce or hamper his capacity to regenerate (something like that, but it sounded like The Master was about to age The Doctor so much that he simply could NOT reverse it). So WHAT ABOUT THAT THEN?

Oh there's even more. During this Miracle Rejuvenation, The Master attempted two things. Firstly, he tried to shoot The Doctor with his Laser Screwdriver but failed because .... well, some kind of incredible force-field prevented the laser blast getting through. The Laser Screwdriver then fell or was knocked to the floor. But before The Master could pick it up, The Doctor "moved" it out of his reach by the power of some kind of telekinesis (ie, moving objects with the mind). Now WHEN has The Doctor ever had THAT power before? NEVER!

Oh, but The Doctor then flies across the room (OK, I'll let THAT one go!) and then goes to The Master (who is now cowering afraid on the floor). What does he say? "I Forgive You!".

Now excuse me here, but Russell T. Davies, YOU have just made The Doctor into a GOD!

The ninth Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, said in, "Boom Town", to Margaret Slitheen, "You wouldn't want to worship me, I'd make a very bad God". Seems like THAT reference was a literal one.

Can we now assume for the future that, basically, The Doctor is basically God fighting against - sorry, trying to SAVE - all that is BAD in the universe. But that couldn't market him this way, so, erm ....., let's make him look human and stick a bit ofd regeneration on top just to keep it interesting and make him a Little Bit Mortal.

Well, he did encounter The Devil on 'The Impossible Planet' together with The Ood! And BEAT him too (it seems). I guess that was a clue even then back in Series 2.

Oh dear!

You know, when I was watching this episode, I was even prepared to let go this thing of Martha travelling the world preaching The Gospel According To The Doctor. It was all fine, and the episode was going on until Martha's capture by The Master. I looked at my watch and thought, "Oh! There's less than 15 minutes to go! The whole thing, this whole Master and Toclafane and Planet Earth Wasteland thing is all going to be resolved and sorted out in UNDER 15 minutes - most likely 10 minutes to allow for goodbyes and that." It was at THAT moment that I knew it was all going a bit silly.

Anyway, back we go! OK, The Master is on the floor, The Doctor forgives him and then WHOOPS! They teleport together to The Earth below. OK, nice fight scene coming up, I thought. NO! the Master brandishes his Black Hole Creator (or whatever it was) and threatens to destroy his fleet by activating it to have millions of rockets and millions of Black Holes sucking The Earth in to destruction. The Doctor replies that he would only destroy himself doing that and persuades the handover - EASILY DONE! Well, it would destroy The Doctor too! Didn't The Master think of THAT? Should have made him do it! But no.

Back up to the ship and Jack arrives after having successfully blasted his way through and into the Tardis to destroy the Paradox Machine that The Master had created. All done WITH EASE!!?? Ah, but now let's see what Wikipedia says about it:-

"When destroyed, it has the effect of reversing time up to the point immediately before it was originally activated. However those in proximity to the device are immune to this effect by virtue of being in the "eye of the storm"."

Another amazing fact just THRUST upon us! Well, how LUCKY we are that this happens! Three Cheers for the Paradox Machine! Hip Hip Hooray etc.

So Time Is In Reverse. And back we go to just after the moment when the President of the USA is killed. WHO BY? No Toclafane, sorry, they're all back at the other end of the universe - so The Doctor kindly informs us. So .... Who Shot The President? Another fact just brushed over and ignored. Anyway, the President couldn't have been shot, could he? Why? Because it happened inside the ship! So his assassination actually DID HAPPEN somewhere else done by someone else. EH???

Complete insanity all round.

OK, that all over, relative normality is restored when Jack arrives to stop The Master's escape and handcuffs him. Francine Jones fails to shoot him and drops the gun. Then The Doctor says The Master is his responsibility and intends to keep him in the Tardis. THAT would have made a good future story possibility, but NO! A gunshot from Lucy Saxon, and The Master falls dead in The Doctor's arms. What's more, he refuses to regenerate saying he'd rather die then be a prisoner forever.

Good moment, except for one thing. The Master is DEAD (maybe)! After all the effort of Russell T. and co. to bring him back and after all that on Doctor Who Confidential telling us how they'd always planned it and wanted it, NOW all that is .... wasted! And ANOTHER future storyline and credible Bad Guy goes down the pan.

But I do remember the Female Hand With Red Nail Varnish taking The Master's signet ring from the funeral pyre with Background Laughter. A rather old-looking hand - seemed too old to be that of Lucy Saxon, but she was so obviously wearing red that you have to assume it was her. Perhaps she too is a Time-Lord-Made-Human. Russell T. joked about this hand being "the Hand Of The Rani" ....

So by the time we get to the very end of this episode and series we have lost a total of one Doctor, three companions, all the Cybermen, all but one Dalek, and the poor old Doctor is alone again! Back we go to the very beginning. Well, except for a rude interruption from a Very Large Ship (is Kylie on there or not?).

Hold on, hold on, I'm not finished there. We had the final revelation to really nail the coffin lid right down on any possible Shred Of Plausibility that might have been left in this episode. Once again, Wikipedia tells the story:-

"Thinking about what he might look like millions of years from now, Jack turns this thought into a story about how when he was "the first person from the Boeshane Peninsula to join the Time Agency", his good looks earned him the name "the Face of Boe"."

Words fail me ....

When Russell T. Davies said that the Face Of Boe was, "not out of it yet", I in my naivety thought of something far more meaty for this series end. Yeah, my end was that the Face Of Boe was The Master's father / adopted father / mentor and would appear to him Star-Wars-Yoda style to tell him off or something. I reckon I should go away and develop my ending more - much better and more interesting that the RTD one. Captain Jack the Face Of Boe?? What the hell is going on here?

If a Doctor Who two-parter is a let-down in the second of the episodes, what can a three-parter be? A let-down AND a mickey-take (sorry, that's a British expression meaning "to make fun of"). So please PLEASE NO MORE THREE-PART DOCTOR WHO STORIES. Pretty please!

And this is turning into a consistent fault in Doctor Who. Good endings - especially with two-parters. Sort it out guys!

OK, this has been one great big long RANT! And deservedly so. If I had written about, "The Sound Of Drums", it would have sounded better. Except for the way that The Doctor, Martha and Jack escaped the Future Kind. Kind of obvious, but a bit lame I thought.

Yes, I knew those poor Year-10-Trillion humans wouldn't make it. Not quite clear how The Master butchered them all and turned them into Toclafane but I'll let that pass too.

The END of Doctor Who then! What on EARTH will I do on a Saturday night at 7 o'clock? An awful long wait to Christmas!!

By the way, it may be the end of Doctor Who Series 3 but it isn't the end of this blog. I have been watching, and hope to watch more, of what they are now calling the Classic Series. Oh, I've seen some CLASSICS I can tell you. But more next time. Am hoping to watch some Patrick Troughton if possible - it's the FACES he makes that do it for me. FANTASTIC!!